Welcome, welcome everybody to day three of the women of color in STEM virtual Summit, where we’re talking about redefined fail. That is the foundation to advance impact. And Lee. Tonight, we have Lynn hurdle with us. And I’m going to introduce her shortly. But first, I want to give some announcements because it’s truly important that I let y’all in on a few things is the fourth year, not one, not two, not three, but fourth year of doing this, and every year, it has gotten better. I think it has improved, and it continues to help impact the careers of Latino black and indigenous women who have STEM degrees. Right. What we did on Sunday was we had a roundtable and it was a bit of confusion about the roundtable because instead of being on Zoom webinar, we did it on Zoom meeting, the system that I use, won’t permit me to change emails. So I created a separate email, and sent that out with the Zoom meeting link. So what we’re going to do on Friday, for the the next or the second roundtable or last roundtable for this summit, is we’re going to continue to use the Webinar platform. What we have to do though, we will bring you on as a panelist, you do not have to turn on your camera, but it’ll permit you to be heard. So if you have questions, you want to add a comment, provide suggestions, resources, definitely, definitely do that. Also, while you’re here live drop in your link in profile link, if you’re willing to connect with people like Michelle, I don’t really do LinkedIn. Do you need to drop that LinkedIn link? Anyway, and then you can do do more and one, okay. But here we we intentionally focus on advancing your careers. So LinkedIn is a great platform. And if you miss Sunday session with Tamra Macklemore, you miss a good time they gonna tell you in the chat, you need to go back to recording, okay, now the replays are available, they come around, come out around 10 or 11pm. You can go to the main website and check that out. It is going to be summit 20.1. A color instagram.com forward slash replays. Yes, I know the late bar, because people have been asking me for it. Okay, if you registered, are found out about this summit via Eventbrite and you have no idea what I’m talking about. I need you to go over to that page to get access to Eventbrite. And the young lady, a Shiki. You is two things. Also in the chat, you’re going to see a blue button that says all panelists, and then you’re going to see panelists and attendees, be sure when you share your links that you want others to see that the other attendees to see that you put the blue button on all panelists and attendees. There we go. So be sure you’re connecting there. All right. But see, um, if you have any questions about the summit, you can send them to info dot positive higher.co. That’s info at positive hire.co. I will put that in the chat as well. Thank you, girl, Assistant. She’s got a Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She’s a VP in affirmative action at a fortune five bank. All right. What Yes. So thank you. Yeah, we support around here we support. And lastly, what I didn’t tell you all who attended Courtney session last night, Courtney provided three gift cards. She donated them. So you will be notified by Friday if you’re the winner of one of her gift cards. Yes. So um, I will let her let the winners know who you are. You will have to provide your email address so she so I can send that to her so she can send you the gift card. Okay, so let’s get this party. All right. I think that’s I think that’s everything. Okay, yes. All right. Tonight we have one of my favorite people. We haven’t hung out in a while. Last time it was we were in New York last time. But I met him in Berkeley, California. book i We have with us Lynne hurdle. What I love about Lynne is she has the conflict closer for those of us who are often seen as argumentative and you’re an introvert and you’re like, I don’t even say nothing to talk to anybody. It’s just a perception. Lin, like, let me show you, a teach you how to communicate, how to really go about and express your thoughts, especially in workplaces, where you may be the only one. So she’s going to be teaching us how to communicate as a leader, as a woman of color in the workplace. So I’m going to hand it over to Lynn, this is all yours, and I will be
so sad. I need you. All right. Hello, everyone. I am so excited. Thank you, so many of you that don’t want to live joining us live. And I know we’re recording. So if you’re joining later, thank you for recognizing how important this topic is. Because the communication I say communication is not the key. I say communication is the door. And I’ll talk about that in a minute. But tonight, we’re talking about leadership for a new decade, bold leaders handle conflicts, and communication decisively, competently and confidently. And I truly believe that I am 40 years into the work of conflict resolution. And I can tell you, that it has been a joyful ride, but it’s been an interesting one as well. I did not choose to be in this work. So I want to say that first. I say that because I want you to understand the commitment that I have to it and the love and the joy that I have. So I from the time I was three years old, I sang I danced, I wrote creative Lee I acted, I knew I was on my way. When I went to college, I was going to go into entertainment, I was going to do theater especially. And I had gotten accepted at Syracuse University and their theater program, which was hard to get into. And, and also Syracuse, for those who don’t know, is upstate New York and as a black girl from the Bronx. That was a big commission commitment, especially because not only was it upstate and was likely to be in this huge school and stand out. But also it’s cold lot of snow. And that’s not my thing. But anyway. So I got accepted. I knew that’s where I was going. I was 17 years old. I had lived in this part of the Bronx, my parents, we started out in the South Bronx. And then when I was seven, they moved my sister and I to an all white neighborhood in the Northwest Bronx. So I had been living there for 10 years, I was on my way home from my high school, which was music and art. And I got I was on the bus. And I got about a mile or so away from my home. And all of a sudden the bus stopped but the doors didn’t open. So I’m looking around pretty crowded bus. I’m noticing it’s myself, brother, young brother, my age and the bus driver who are the only black people on the bus and the bus is crowded. And I see through the front window, the reason that he would not open the door. And that was because at least 50 young white males in red bandanas were rushing the bus and they all had baseball bats. And they were demanding that he opened the door, which thank God, he did not open the door. And so they decided then that they were going to turn the bus over and they started to push the bus and the only thing that stopped them is that on the other side of the street, there was another bus that rode up. And it was filled with black and brown young people. And so they ran over there. I got off the bus. The young man who was my age, got off the bus and he was terrified. He’s like, I just moved into this neighborhood. I’m literally here a week I have no idea how to get home. I knew how to get him home, took him home. And on my way walking from his home to mine. I had a thought that never ever occurred to me. So I know that it was not me thinking this. But it was my assignment and that thought was somehow other My purpose is to do something about these kinds of conflicts. I have to bring people together and I’m thinking now I’m supposed to be a store. Where’s this coming from? But I knew right then in there, that that was going to be true for me and I went to Syracuse and my first year I was a theater major. And my second year there, they started a brand new Pro grounded in nonviolent conflict and change. And I switched over to that program and 40 years later, I am serving the world and helping people to have what I say are everything from the everyday conversations to the most difficult, they heat it once. And when it comes to business, one of the things that I know that is exceedingly important is that we women of color, we need to have the most excellent skills, because even when we have the most excellent skills, stereotyping will get us pegged up, believe me with all my skills, and they are good, I don’t mind saying what he is, and they need to be, I still get pegged at times as the as either angry or tough, black woman. And I have to say that I let that slide because I know my game is on point. So I’m here tonight, to give you some tips on how to begin to get your game on point. And I love this, all right, redefining fail. So you got to have that foundation, right, you’ve got to have that foundation. So when I say that communication is not the key, it’s the door, I mean, that the door of communication needs to be open. In order for you to be able to resolve conflicts, it’s for you to be able to have conversations with people on your jobs. If you’re leading a team, if you have a supervisor or manager over you, you need to be able to communicate what they say on fleek, you need to be able to communicate like that. So I’m going to tell you my number one top tip to communicating well, in a conflict situation. And it’s something that I know you don’t hear a lot of people say. So I hope you writing this down.

Self care. That’s number one. Number one is self care. Because if you are not taking care of yourself, you will not be able to access your best self in a conflict situation. Because you will be too stressed out, you will not have had the practice of being able to manage your emotions in the moment. And you’ll be a mess to be honest, and people will be able to push your buttons easily. And therefore they will be controlling the situation. So self care, have some kind of self care routine, and be able to have something that you can do that’s not at work and something that you can do on the spot in a situation where communication may be heated, you need to be able to have something that you can do. So I always start off every session because I coach as well as facilitate workshops and speak at conferences. I always start off every session with breathing. And yes, I know that we’re breathing, we know that we’re pretty thing. Yes. And yes, I’ve heard people say count to 10, I’m not talking about count to 10. That’s fine, if that’s a technique that you’ve been able to make work for you. Meaning that it actually can bring you down and put you in a place where you are able to be calm enough to communicate. But I’m talking about being able to breathe correctly, access your breath in a way that it controls every organ within your body, that it controls you in a situation where you need that control. I’ve used my breath to bring down my blood pressure so that I didn’t have to be on medication. In the moment, I’ve been able to do that. I’ve used my breath in complex situations to access the best techniques in the moment. So we are going to start together with breathing. I’m going to trust that you are out there doing this with me. And do not sleep on this do not sleep on the importance of knowing how to do this breathing and being able to call on it, access it and use it in a conflict situation. So let’s just get comfortable where we are. Sit comfortably. If you are willing and able to close your eyes, you can do that. If you are not, then you want to just focus on a point in front of you. I’m not going to close my eyes, just wanting to lead you through it. It’s harder for me to do to lead and to do the breathing but I’ll do as much of it as I can So one thing that you want to know about breathing, and you can check this out for yourself, if you’re going to be breathing properly, then when you take that in breath, your stomach should actually go up and out. Most of us, that’s not what happens. Although as babies we are born we are born. When we are babies, this is how we breathe, we take a breath in the stomach rises, we let that breath out, the stomach goes down. So we’re going to breathe through our nose, and we’re going to hold it and then we’re going to push it out through our mouths, we’re going to do that two or three count. And we’re going to do that three times. So let’s breathe in through the nose to three, hold two, three, and then push it out. She really hear yourself breathing, three, breathing in through the nose. Two, three, hold to three, and then push it out. To swing, and then one more time in to serene, and really hold it to three, hold one more second more for expanding the lungs out and push it out 123
And then stay with it. Stay with it tuning in,
tuning into what’s going on inside of you. And then I’m going to ask you to open your eyes if they were closed or to focus back if you were focusing on a point. So self care, breathing is really important, because it gets you connected to the inner you. And if you’re going to do anything in conflict that is going to be substantial and make a real difference in the way that you communicate, you have to be in touch with the inner you, you have to know what’s going on inside you. Because that is the place when we get into conflicts, right? When we have those kinds of communications that may be a little more difficult. We’re or longer, longer conversations. Inside is what often leads us and drives us unless we are really in touch and are able to manage and control it ourselves. So. So that’s the first thing. And I hope that you will remember to breathe, I always tell my clients, when they’re telling me about what’s going on in their world. Breathe, remember to breathe. And because I’ve shown them this particular type of breathing, right belly breathing, they know what I’m talking about. Okay, so thank you for doing that with me. And I hope that you’ve noticed something about yourself. So that’s the number two thing, you have to know yourself. Really understand who you are, when it comes to communicating. And what pushes your buttons is really key and where your strengths lie, are really key. So when you’re getting into conflict, when you get into a conversation, and someone says or does something, as a leader, you got to know going in the door, right? Going in the conversation that something could push my buttons, and what is that something be as familiar as possible with what your buttons are? When people say this, or people do this? It hits me and I feel that and then the the opportunity to react rather than respond is there because my buttons have been pushed, they’ve been hit. And so if my buttons are hit, that means my emotions are now being activated. And they have the potential to actually lead instead of me making the decision of how I want to have this conversation. So it’s really important. What are your buttons? I know for me, I’ve been able to take a lot of that off the table for myself. But the one button that I still cannot put myself back from fast enough is you go from my family and I’m done. Right? It’s the reaction first, rather than in response. 40 years in, boom, I’m a real person I sit I share that with you to let you know how challenging This work is how much it is an on going part of the work that we do as leaders, because it is not easy to be able to not just identify what pushes your buttons, but also to take that off the table so that you are able to lead in a way and have a conversation in a way. That’s really helpful. But if you think about it, think about people that you know, who are really good at communicating, they communicate well, because it’s not that they aren’t may not be passionate about what they’re saying. But they’re also able to manage themselves in a way that they get the message across without having the kind of reaction that actually escalates the situation. So know yourself know your buttons, know your strengths. What are your strengths as a communicator? Are you able to say something in ways that people really understand you every time? Are you an amazing listener, we don’t have enough amazing listeners, most of us only listen up to the point at which we wish to interrupt, and then we go for it, rather than sitting back and really listening, deeply listening, we’ll talk a little bit more about that. Because that’s a point or to its own, because I’m always teaching about listening, but know what your strengths are, are you the person who actually sits back and observes, people might say you are passive, but you know, it’s it may be that you’re an introvert, or it may be that as an introvert you are, your thing is my strength is I listened, so all is done. And then I add, if that’s your strength, know what that is, know what your strengths are, know what your buttons are, and no way you’re challenged, because you don’t have enough skills in that area. Because that means you’re going to need to get those skills. I mean, that’s your responsibility. As a leader, as a leader, I responsible for managing eight people. And trust me, I know that I have to know as their leader, what my strengths are, where my buttons get pushed, right, and what I bring to the table. So you want to really pay attention to that write yourself a list, know what it is, don’t just think about it, but actually write this down for yourself. So let’s talk about the buttons for a minute. Because I know people like Okay, so if my buttons get pushed, what am I supposed to do? Well, first of all, like I said, know what they are, and then understand why you have those buttons, because most of us get pushed, our emotions get activated, not really based on the situation in front of us, but on situations from our past. So you’re going to need to really explore why it is that particular button continues to get pushed for you. What brought it up in the first place? What made that a hot button for you? And how do you begin to dismantle that layer by layer, and one of the things you have to do is to be able to identify it, right? So being in touch with what’s happening, when you get pushed and why you’re getting push.
Next thing is I want you to know that you’ve got to carry this awareness throughout the conversation. So yes, you might go into the conversation thinking this particular person, right? They always push this button. So I know that I’m going into the conversation. But then you get engrossed in the conversation and you forget that awareness carried out awareness because when the button gets pushed, you want to be able to know that you want to be able to feel up, they just push my button. So now what do I do about it? Well remember that self care that I talked about, remember that breathing that I talked about whatever it is that your technique for self care, bringing you back to a place of being able to be calm enough and ready enough to have the conversation, you’re going to need to employ that because if your buttons get hit, I can guarantee you that the window that you have is very small before you start to have a physiological reaction. And anybody out there I know you know what I’m talking about, but I’m going to explain it a little further. So, for me physiology physiological reaction, I start to little by little get warmer and warmer, right behind my neck. And if I don’t do something about it, my neck is flaming hot, and I’m getting ready to pounce, that’s a physiological reaction, my emotions have taken over. And I am now allowing my body to have it say, rather than me taking control of that, and having the say that I want to have being able to take the time to formulate what it is that I want to do and say in this situation. So I know that we all have physiological reactions, if you want to put yours in the chat, please do. Because if you are not in touch with what happens when your buttons get first, what happens within you, then you’re going to need to really pay attention. Because what’s happening is you are getting a gift, you’re getting a warning that, hey, you are getting really heated here, your a button has been pushed. And you if you’re going to stay in this conversation in a way that you want to stay in as a leader, then you are going to have to do something about what’s happening within you. Which means you’re going to have to bring yourself to a place where you can access the best information you have for how you want to proceed in this conversation. Gotta carry that awareness with you, you have to know what’s happening at every moment within the conversation. If you get carried away and you’re off somewhere else, then the likelihood of you saying or doing the wrong thing that’s going to happen. I’ll share with you a story that happened for me as a manager. As I said, I was managing eight people. And I had a particular employee, person on my team, I don’t even want to say employee because the way that we took care of each other. This was a person on my team who I cared about. And but he was really good at ranting and raving. Whenever he had a complaint about something. And he always had a complaint if I if I’m honest, at least it seemed to me my perspective, right. However, in this particular meeting, he was really going on and on and on. And I have to say that when he was talking and I was listening, he was pushing my buttons. But he was also saying things that I too, was really irritated and annoyed about with the way that we work within this company, the guidelines, so things that we were constrained by, and he went on and on and on, and getting more and more heated. And I did my best to listen. But my buttons were getting pushed. And I know that it wasn’t really about this particular rant that it was about every particular rant, not just by him. But whoever ranted at me because I don’t like granting all of that’s going on. And so when he finally stopped ranting, I looked at him and said, Oh, well, welcome to my world. And I knew what a smartass answer that was that was not going to help things. And before I could pull it back or pull myself back, he simply exploded. Now I know that if I was listening, I had the opportunity to carry the awareness of the buttons that he was likely to push that that would be your response, right? That the buttons that my buttons were being pushed, but somewhere in his ranting and my listening, I got taken away by what was happening within me. And so that was my response. So later on, I absolutely said, Okay, I’m sitting with myself, and I’m going to assess how i did in that situation. And I knew that I had not done my best. So I was able to have a one on one with Him in my office where I validated what he was saying and feeling and worked on trying to do some problem solving around it. But I had to be in a place where I could do that and perhaps letting off that smart remark might have led off some steam but the potential for it to go even more wrong because I’m telling you exploit it. So the potential for Ready to go even more wrong was there, I had the power as the leader to be able to write him up to be able to shut him out. But that wasn’t what I wanted to do. So carrying that awareness,
three, you gotta care on the little things. The foundation gets set by caring about the little things with people.

 So as leaders, good mornings, greetings. Some people really don’t understand the power of that. And those of us who do, or who do it naturally, you might be thinking, okay, come on, everybody knows that. But everybody might know it that everybody doesn’t do it. And I can tell you that when I sit with clients, or when I come in, and I facilitate workshops, and managers are not in the workshop, it’s one of the things I hear can’t even get a good morning around here, even if I say it first. So caring goes a very long way, when you’re trying to set the foundation for communication from every day to the most difficult, because if you care enough, number one, you’ll have the conversation. Number two, you have built a relationship with the person. So you the conversation should be a little easier because of that relationship. And number three, they don’t care enough to have the conversation, hopefully in a way where it’s constructive. So caring everything from even noticing in their area up. Maybe they have a pictures, maybe they have an artwork, they’re also noticing that having comments asking questions, you don’t have to spend an entire coffee hour with them. But these things go a very long way noticing when something’s off, something’s not right. And yes, we don’t want to intrude. But if you keep seeing it, don’t wait so long to actually say, hey, noticing something’s happening. door’s always open. If you want to talk, I’m here. Being able to invest that kind of time lays the foundation for when you have to have when you’re in conflict with this person, when you have to have that difficult conversation. You’ve already got the doors already open, right? It’s not a shut door. It’s a door that has been even if it’s a little crack open, it’s already open. So you have that foundation. So really caring in the little things and noticing what the little things are if people celebrate birthdays, if people have relationships, which all of us do outside of the office that they’re willing to talk about, whether is if their parents, so whether their answer uncles or whatever it is, being the kind of leader that cares about those kinds of things, is really critical. When conflict hits the stage and conflicts always going to hit the stage. I don’t care how well you’re light. I don’t care what a Boss Boss you are, I don’t care what it is that you do that is setting the climate for being right. You’ve got to care and in the environments that we’re in, when we’re are the only people of color or very few in number. Relationships are the things that can be really crucial and critical. I’m not saying they’re always easy to make in those environments. But I am saying that if you’re in a leadership position, it’s one of the things that you want to do. And it’s one of the things that makes having those conflict conversations a lot easier.

Okay, so let’s get to listening. Because that’s part of caring, listening beyond our comfort zones listening beyond when someone might be sharing something with us about us that we don’t like listening to really understand what this is about. Here’s why this is so key to many times in conflict situations. People are really not having the conversation about what this is really about. Because they’ve been diverted by either interrupting each other before the person gets to that or they’ve been diverted by buttons being pushed. So now we’re dealing with oh really so you’ve you’ve just said that to me. Okay, so here’s what I’m gonna do because you said that to me right when diverted before We understand, first of all, find out and then understand what the conflict is about for people. So you want to be that superb listener, I mean, superb listener, because you’ve got to get past your stuff in this situation and get past they’re stuck in the situation. So what do I mean by that? Being the only person of color number one, that’s how I grew up my whole life, right from the time I was seven, or eight being the only person of color, whether it was in school, whether it was in the neighborhood, and then to have to go to university, where we were a very small number, and then to have jobs where yes, I was the only person of color or very small in number, I have had to deal with what that brings up for me, and what that brings up for other people. So if you’re listening, you have to listen, past your stuff, and their stuff. So for me, he is the key at the point at which at the moment at which I get the urge to interrupt, actually, literally physically pull myself back, it could be a miniscule amount, like half an inch or miniscule of an edge. But the physical movement allows me to remind myself not to interrupt, but to hang in there, and to listen. So to pull yourself back, the minute you want to interrupt, right and listen more, listen more. And then in your listening to get understanding, you want to reflect back what you heard. I use the term paraphrasing, some people use the term reflecting, but you want to give back what you’ve heard them say essentially, because then you know what it is you are directing your response to. And here’s the key to doing that. You’re not there to interpret, you’re actually there. Just to give back what they said. Now, granted, it’s what you heard them say, but if you’re really in there listening, you’ll be able to give that what you heard them say, rather than what you think they meant by what they said. Because see, folks with luck with that, we want to tell them what we think they meant by what they said, rather than what I heard you say, was this? And then doing a check in? Did I get that right? Is that? Is that right? So that they’re able to clarify for us or tell us that it’s right. But it’s also another way for us to delay our getting in there and getting our stuff off. It’s a way for us to be the kind of listeners that can get to the core of what’s going on. So you want to make sure that deep listening, listening for understanding and hanging there beyond your comfort point, to be able to reflect that paraphrase back what you’ve heard them, say, do a check in. Did I get that right? And then guess what I’m gonna tell you to do next. Invite them to say more, invite them to say more about what it is, you’ve just reflected back, because now you are directing the conversation. So here’s what I’ve heard you say that, that for you? This policy of coming in exactly on time is difficult because X, Y and Z or for you, you felt that I was not listening. You were not heard in this last meeting. And you wanted to share that with me. Okay, great. So tell me more about how I wasn’t listening to you. You see how you’ve just directed it in this narrow place, rather than it going off in other directions. And any of us who have been in conflict know the opportunity for it to branch off into what you did last year. What you did in several meetings to be accused of you always do this. All of those things can happen because we are not listening long enough to get an understanding of what is really at the core here and then directing and focusing that conversation so that we can get to a place of problem solving. And to get to a place of problem solving. We need to respond.
Let me talk a little bit about responding versus reacting. That’s so important. And I hope you do know the difference already before I explain it, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. in conflict situations, I tend to see people reacting, rather than responding. And reactions, get a lot of applause, reactions get a lot of likes, right? Reactions get a lot of views. But responding, gets a lot of problems solved. Therein lies the difference. Do you want to be the one who can give it as good as you get it? Or do you want to be the leader who can get to the core and get it resolved, or at least get the conversation, right, at least get the conversation going in the direction of this is going to be resolved soon enough. That’s where you want to be. So reaction is your feelings are leading the conversation. And you know when that is the sometimes you know, before, but unfortunately, most of us know after, because we know that while it felt good in the moment, it did nothing to really resolved, it might have shut the person down, it might have sent them off somewhere, it might have exerted your power. But it didn’t resolve the situation. So responding is that I’ve really taken this in, I’ve got myself in a place where I can say what I need to say in a way that really communicates the issues as I hear them, and the potential solutions for them. And I can lay that out on the table, I can lay it out on the table with passion. But I also want to be sure that the passion is not a reaction, but rather the part of the response that I feel really strongly about this, or I feel like this is really important for you to understand, for us to be able to move forward. That kind of passion is really important. Again, knowing that in situations in work environments that we are in the cultural differences, and the stereotyping can really put us in this box, again, the angry whatever or the hysterical. But we shouldn’t be hysterical. Right? We could be seen as that. But if you’re doing what I’m talking about when we’re responding, we shouldn’t be labeled as hysterical. We might be seen as somebody who feels very strongly about it. But we don’t want the other label. And I know sometimes it’s hard. I know sometimes it’s hard not to get it because people come from their own stuff. But if you’re communicating in a way, where you’re the one that’s really controlling what’s happening with you, and then controlling the bulk of the conversation, then that’s a label that you won’t get or shouldn’t get. But responding is really sticking to the content, right? What this is about how you’ve heard it, how you want to respond to it, if you if there’s some explanation that you want to give, or if there is an apology, right? Because we’re capable of that if we really sincerely feel like wow, I messed this up, right. So I am going to apologize and then offer a solution or ask for potential solutions, something that keeps us engaged in staying in the conversation, and that keeps them engaged and staying in the conversation is a response. Yes, leaders do apologize. I can tell you as a leader both at home and in the work place. I don’t have a problem with apologies. I know people often do, but it’s such an important piece when you recognize that that’s where you are. That’s that’s what’s needed in this situation.

Okay, so we got the listening all the time. Thank you, Courtney. Absolutely. Okay, so if you are responding, then you also want to respond with an assertive statement. And sometimes what’s assertively said can often Get pegged as aggressive. And so we’re really, we really know how that goes. And so it’s important to actually practice the difference between saying something assertively and saying something aggressively. I know, I speak from my own cultural background. My dad had five sisters, I have sister, we’re all women, and we all black women. And I can tell you, I learned with the best of them all the body language that lets you know that what I’m saying is what I’m saying, right. And so I know, the potential for that to come out, even in the workplace is there. And so I’m really clear that I, if I know that there’s a particular conversation, that’s going to happen the next day, and it’s probably going to be difficult and may even be heated, then I’m gonna practice my statements for that. And if I can’t practice an in the moment, I have to do it, then I take a pause, and a breath. I’m not sure why pausing became the sign of weakness. Actually, I do know why. But anyway, it’s not a sign of weakness, it is such a sign of strength to be able to pause. Think about it. And then put your words out there in an assertive way, that says you’ve actually thought about this, rather than just impulsively snapped on somebody. Right? So pausing taking a breath, even to say, I’m really want to say this, right?

So give me a minute. Okay, here’s what I want to say, to put that out there. Yes, I know, stereotypes about women, I know that we can be seen as weak. But I can tell you that the leaders that can communicate well, in complex situations, can see consistently and confidently, and competently, those are not the leaders that are looked at as we because most people don’t resolve conflicts. Well, most people don’t engage even in conflicts at all. And most people do not have the confidence to go toward conflict and take it on, and then resolve it in a fierce way. So when somebody sees you do that consistently, they’re taking notice. And it does not become a weakness, it becomes one of your greatest strengths, because everybody likes someone who can resolve conflict, because nobody likes it. I love it. Nobody likes it. So if you can get rid of it, you know, I’ve heard conflict resolvers compared being compared to firefighters, everybody’s running away from the fire, they’re running towards it, you can put out the fire. Oh, my goodness, you know, you are gold, you know, you are golden. So as a leader, to be the one who can really handle conflicts? Well, yeah, you are going to be someone who’s looked at sought after. And you are going to be someone also, who becomes more competent in every other area. Because if you already know what you’re doing well, and then you add this to it. Nobody’s going to take you down on that, because that’s a skill that everybody really wants. And so really being able to get in there go for it in a confident way, is really important. So two more points before I open it up for questions. Recognizing the role of culture is very important. It’s one of the things that I specialize in, in conflict. It’s something that I got into early because I made a lot of mistakes around different cultural norms. And they fascinated me because I had no idea that they were that so many different things existed. So if you are leading a team that has other cultures, we tend to know the majority culture pretty well, because we’re around all the time. So knowing it, yeah, knowing that culture well enough to not be surprised by anything that comes at you, but actually be prepared for it to really important, but if you do have other people on your team, who are not from your culture or dominant culture, then really spending some time when it’s not in the heat of the moment, but even just in casual conversation, and getting to know your team members spending some time getting to know different cultural norms. is important, whether it be with that person, whether you’re researching, we always want to acknowledge that everybody doesn’t do things our way, that what we may take for our passivity in silence is actually very powerful action being taken by being silent.

So we want to make sure that we’re not the last ones to know when culture is playing a role in a particular conflict that we’re in. And then let’s see, what’s the last thing I want to because I’m gonna give you all everything that I had for you. Yeah, I think we’re good. So one more thing that I think is really important for you to know. And that is, when you don’t have the skills, you need to own that, and go get some Yes, I do work in conflict resolution, I do coaching, I do workshops. And whenever I have a book, closing conflict for leaders, I hope you get it. And since Michelle says somebody else, we’re giving away gift cards, I definitely want to give away my book. So three copies I can give away, Michelle, you figure that out how it goes, but own that, as a leader, I really should be up on these skills and go get them, go find them, go take a course go read up and practice. But it’s really important that we get better and better and better at communicating, particularly when conflict is sitting at our door. Because everywhere we go, there’s always gonna be conflict. And everywhere we go, there’s always going to be you and conflict. And so the more you know about you, and the more you know about conflict resolution skills, the better you’re going to be as a leader. So leadership for a new decade means that you’ve got to be able to handle conflicts decisively, competently, confidently, and I say Boldly Go for it, knowing that you’re confident and being able to handle it. So I’m going to stop there. So that we can open it up for questions.
Okay, that was that was so no. Yeah, I did that wrong. room too. Okay. So we’re going to go to the chat. I know we had one, the first question popped up in the chat. Yeah. So if you have a question, be sure you send it over to the q&a. In the middle of this of the zoom box. If you’re on a PC or laptop. At the bottom, it says q&a, but I got the question. And it says when you engage in an unproductive conversation, at what point do you end the conversation and still be professional?

While unproductive conversation, I’m hoping there’s at least one point that has come out of the conversation that’s productive. And so when you’re going around, here’s, here’s my thing. If we’ve circled around this same thing, more than three times, then it is unpredicted. And I’m going to say, Okay, this is the fourth time around, and I don’t see us getting anywhere. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to decide that we’re going to end this conversation, I’ll give it some thought as to how we might be able to come back and be more productive, I’d like you to do the same. Right? If this is someone that you’re leading, if it’s someone that you is over you, I still say that honestly, I still say I’d like you to do the same. Because I would I’m not going to lie in the moment. I’m gonna give it some thought I’d like you to give some thought. And if we need to come back together to have a conversation, then let’s come back with some points that we can make some headway on. Because if you’re going around and around and around, and I’ve been in those conversations, we’re saying the same thing, or you’re saying the same thing over and over again. Then after three, and we’re still in the same place. I’m about to deliver that message to you. That would be my you get three and then on number four, I’m done.
All right. All right. Here’s our next question. In my opinion, a woman’s first conflict environment is often her sixth is household. Do you have seminars for middle or high school kids? Do you have suggestions for women and of their parental environment? Homeless is a significant place for the for the creation of buttons.
Yeah, absolutely. At If people think that home life stays at the door, when you go into the workplace, I can tell you that it doesn’t, it absolutely will start to show up in the workplace. So home life, yeah, first of all, this is the thing with me, I raised my children, my husband and I raised our son’s on conflict resolution, mostly on conversation, communication. That’s what we raised our sons on. So regular communication is really important. So we did things we didn’t, they didn’t like to talk at the table, that that wasn’t their thing. And they so fast that we would have had really quick conversations, we did family meetings, but we didn’t do them for things that were a problems, we did them so that they would learn to communicate with each other about things that were going on good ad and challenging, right. So you have to establish ways to have consistent conversation about things like if there sexism going on, which often is like your, your role is this and my role, then you need to be able to have a consistent way to have that conversation. If it’s with your significant other, then you need to be able to say, look, whether it’s once a week or right when it’s happening, I need to challenge that. And I need to be able to have a conversation with you about that, then you need to do that. Because conversation that only happens when things are going badly as conversation that people avoid. But conversation that’s just a part of how we do things around here brings people to the table, they may not want to engage every single time, but they will engage because they know that’s how we do things around here. And that’s the piece that I think is missing with a lot of people is that we are waiting until it builds up, as opposed to making sure that we’re having conversations in the good times and the challenging times.

Great. I absolutely agree. Talk early and often. Yep. Do you provide tips? I’m sorry, can you can you provide tips for a scenario where conflict exists between your direct manager and your direct managers? One over one? ie they do not get along in their conflict tenders process on initiatives?

Okay, so let me just back up one second. I don’t do for the last question. I don’t do middle school workshops anymore. I can share with Michelle, a couple of people that I know who do. Okay, so, so you so I’m one of the things you got to decide is who are you? And where are you in this role in this relationship between the two? Are you somebody that they both get along with? Do you have either or both ear, because you may have to play the role of the mediator in this, whether it’s an opportunity to bring them both together. And I know that can be difficult because people don’t always want to come to the table number one to admit that there’s a problem. And number two to talk about the problem. So here’s my tip is that if you have a relationship with one or both, that you spend some time getting them to engage in whether they’re noticing what’s going on or not. And what they think the problems are, why is this happening? And to be able to really share with them? Like what’s the effects that it’s having on yourself and others around? And to help them to begin to start to talk about, well, what can I do differently, that might be able to lessen the tension here. People aren’t always open to that. But as the person that has a relationship with one or both, then I see that as an opportunity for you to get in the air of them. And to really have that honest conversation. Are you noticing that this is happening? Here’s the effect that’s going on. And so can we talk about this a bit and find out what’s going on between the two of you how you might be able to do it differently? Or like I said, if they’re willing to come to a sit down and you’re willing to mediate, then do that work so that the environment isn’t so tense for people.

Thank you, man. Next question. Can you provide tips for handling conflict with your leader when they refused to listen for an understanding and make decisions without proper input?
Yeah, Oh, no. See? That’s, that’s really difficult because of the power dynamic. And I know that. So what’s your relationship with them? That’s what I would say. That’s number one. If you have a relationship with them, then that’s really good. Because then you can begin to have a conversation. So let’s say you don’t, let’s take the harder one. Let’s say that you don’t have a relationship with them. And they’re not listening to you. One of the things that you’ve got to decide is, so how, how often am I going to speak up and share that this is an issue? And how often am I going to just sit and understand that this is something this is the way they lead? And so how do I deal with this? One of the things I got to deal with this myself in this, so how is this affecting me? How is this affecting me in the way that I do my job, and how do I keep myself in a space of being able to handle this, while this is going on, it’s really important to understand that we may in a lot of situations want to change someone else. But that’s really difficult work and happiness happens in our relationships at home. And it happens at work, people are going to change in the way and in the time in which they want to. And sometimes that’s never So assessing whether or not anything that you’re saying is getting through validating where there is maybe some movements, some change whether there are different situations where they do listen and noticing the situations where they tend not to listen or to dig in more, and then being able to speak up and say, consistently enough. This is a problem. And this is what this is the problem that it’s creating for me, because I’ve shared, I don’t feel like you’ve really heard, I’m just wondering how we might communicate better, in a way where my ideas get on the table, or where we begin to at least communicate more so that there’s a real understanding that’s going on, that’s if you feel like you can have that conversation, if you have a relationship with that person, then it should make that door open a lot easier. But if the relationship is not a good one, or it’s non existent, then you are going to have to do some real observation about keeping yourself safe in it, and deciding what it is that you want to do about being led by someone who’s not listening to you. And being able to decide if this is really going to be able to be something that you’re going to be able to work out or or hang in there until you can move in another direction. But if they’re not open to changing, you are only going to frustrate yourself and make yourself stressed. If you’re not willing to accept that and start to look at how do you keep yourself safe and Okay, in this situation, or move on?

Very good point. Very good point. Okay. What’s the best way to communicate with leaders that are highly emotional and reactive?
Yeah, the best way is to give, give, give the gift of listening. If they’re highly emotional and highly reactive listen for within that emotion and reaction, are they making any points at all? Whether the points you whether you agree with the points or not is not the thing? But what are the points that they are making, even though it’s in a highly reactive and emotional way? Is there content there that we that I can begin to talk about with them? That’s really important because people communicate in a lot of different ways. When I was a mediator, I communicated and I mediated in the communities of color, and then communities of color. People were emotional people were reactive. So I’d sit back and listen within those reactions in that emotion, are they telling me about the conflict? And in most cases, they were and so what I would then do is go in on those points, listen, listen, listen, and then say, so here’s what I’m hearing. This particular point is what one of the things you’ve brought out, can we talk about that? They may not know how to de escalate but if they can still have the conversation in in an escalated state, then you want to check in with yourself again, if your buttons are being pushed to be aware, taking your breaths and being able to I’ll prepare your thoughts for what you want to say about the content. If there is no content, and it’s purely emotional, then you’re gonna have to say that listen to the extent that you can and say, I’m, I’m really sorry, but I’m trying to locate what you want to talk about Kenny, just share with me, what are the points you’re making? Or are there things that you need me to improve on? And recognize one more thing, this is not personal, it may feel personal, it may sound personal, but it’s about whatever it is that’s going on with them that is now being taken out and played out on you.

Okay, we have a few more other than your book closing conflict for leaders. Do you suggest any other resources or reading?
That’s really good. I love when people ask me that. Okay, getting to yes, is a really good book. I’m not really great with authors. But you can Google that it’s a book that is that is old. But it’s been out it’s been out there a long time. But it it is really a good, really a good book, How to handle difficult people. Also a good book, there is for home if you want to teach your children that is creative. Okay. Resolving Conflict Creatively, which is a really good book that actually teaches particular games you can play that teach about communication. That’s a that’s a book that I’ve used a lot with my children trying to think of what else have I read? That’s a really good book. But those are I love getting to yes, I think it’s really one of the things that helps with the basics around the conversation that you can have. And yes, of course, there’s things that are other than my book, because there’s, there’s a lot out there, but I would start with those.
Great. Next question, how do you deal with be with patronizing?
How do I deal with patronizing? Is that the full question?

Okay. You forget who you are, most of us? Scientists have this.
That’s right. That’s right. Okay. Right. I love more description. But how do I deal with patronizing? Well recognize it early on in the conversation, right? Knowing that. But also a thought, actually, I want to say yes. But be sure that that’s what you’re dealing with. I think that that’s really important. Because sometimes we will do the thing of labeling something. And we are now tuned out, because we’ve labeled what’s happening to us. And we actually haven’t fully listened to discover that that’s really what it is. If you know the person and you know that this is their style, then you’re going in the door armed with with knowledge, right? You already know that this is what the person does. I wouldn’t call it that to them. Because then that becomes a reason to be defensive. So if you feel like they’re not really going to do what you want done, then let’s look at some commitments around when and how right deadlines if you need those, but when we’re gonna come back together and make sure that this is done, when we’re gonna have this conversation again, to look at next steps, but making sure that there’s commitment rather than Yes, yes. And I know that this is this is what you want, or what, if you know that they’re not going to deliver, then find a way to not have to have consistent conversations with them if you can avoid that? Because that’s not going to do anything productive, but you already know going in the door or you are you at least able to recognize this as patronizing, then listen for a little more, make sure and then really try to set some ways for whatever it is that they’re agreeing to or saying they’re agreeing to can actually come to fruition you control that. When is that going to be done by? Oh, no, I really need to have a date. I think it’s important for us to set dates. This is how I work well, if we set this date if we make this commitment, and so what is it that you’re committing to? Let me summarize again, what it is we’re both committing to, and when we’re committing to it by really being strong in getting what you want, as best as you can. And in a state of this is just matter of fact, this is good business. This is the way we do things.

Great. Next question, I keep coming. I think it’s the last one like, oh, no, I got another one. How do you communicate with a leader who changes directions from meeting to meeting, but feels as if they communicate clearly and effectively?

Yeah, yes, my former supervisor somewhere in there. Okay, so they are. So where is it? Is anything in writing these days? Do we put things in writing so that we can come back and say, Well, here’s the direction that is what we were directed to last time. We were here. And yeah, that was really clear. That was clear direction. But now, let me just clarify what you’ve asked us to do. Now, because it sounds different. Right. So now you’re asking us to do this? Is that right? That’s what we’re being asked to do. Okay, so yes, that’s really clear. Just question, can you share? Why we’re changing direction? Or, you know, I just want to be clear that we are changing direction. And I’m just interested in what precipitated this to really yes, if they’re being clear and concise, but they’re always changing direction? Well, I would want to write that down. And I would want to have it somewhere that other people have it as well. And if I can’t do that, then at least I’m writing it down, then I want to clarify that this is what you’ve said, right? And then when we come to the next meeting, and it’s different, then I want to read back those notes. And I wanted to just be clear that now we’re changing direction. Again, and I’m just just wanting to know, what precipitated that. And is this what we’re staying with? Is this where we’re actually going to be going, and it doesn’t have to be I mean, you know, look, when you challenge people, they can feel like it sounds disrespectful or feels disrespectful, but in the most in the name of the work way that you can. Being able again, when we are in control of ourselves being able to put out there, what is important for you. And the best way for you to work is to be clear, and to clarify that we are changing direction and to help ask them to help you understand why. And I think that’s important. And put as much as you can in writing like that your own notes, or whether it’s notes for everybody so that we all can see that last time this is this is not what you asked us to do. Okay, that was and then I want to also say and if you have a relationship with that person, again, relationship, relationships, relationships, to actually be able to say, Can I have a moment?

And really want to talk with you about something? Okay, what is the best way to communicate with passive aggressive
passive aggressive leaders? Ah, okay. So are they passive aggressive in their conversation? Or are they passive aggressive in actions? Or in both? It is really important to be able to identify that since it’s not identified here, then I’m going to say that this
says both. Both. Okay, great.

So, yeah, because of course, because passive aggressive is never gonna settle for one. What am I thinking? Okay, so here’s the thing, again, I’m gonna go back to knowing yourself and recognizing that passive aggressive is not personal, passive aggressive, is clearly clearly about whatever’s going on for them. So that’s the first thing is that when they make an action, when they say something, if you can really maintain yourself knowing that it may push your buttons and understand understanding that this is not personal, this is their stuff, then you can at least go into the conversation. You can call it for what it is, if you feel safe enough to do that, because I know that psychological safety is a huge thing, particularly in environments where we are, you know, alone are very few in numbers. But if you can call it what you can and say, Look, I have to be honest, I feel like that’s really passive aggressive, and it’s not productive. So I need us to be productive, and I need whatever it is that you need from them to do if they are someone who is known to be passive aggressive and has that kind of reputation, if there’s someone that you can actually have a conversation with who can help them do something differently, great. If not, then what you’re going to need to do is to continue to be clear about what it is that you need. But understanding that passive aggressive is about pushing buttons, not you personally, it’s just the power in that, if that is something that you lead with, with your buttons, push, then they will continue in that same behavior, if you’re able to call it and say what you need from them and be consistent about what you need. And when you need it by then you lessen that power over you. It’s sort of difficult, I maintain that it’s a very difficult personality to deal with, because they don’t know usually, they’re passive aggressive, because they also don’t know anything else. But you have to help them find something else by being as clear as possible with calling it that if you can, safely and and really stating what it is that you’re what you need and what you’re not getting.
Great. And this is the last question. Okay. Can you give me an example of how to make an an assertive statement that does not come across as aggressive?

Yes, to make an assertive statement that does not come off as aggressive? Well, I can’t guarantee it doesn’t come off as aggressive in that person’s mind. I’ll particularly when we’re talking about dominant culture, you know, if so, stereotypes are ingrained, hey, so anything that we might do, I’ve been accused of being tough when all I did was ask one of my sons to well not ask, I simply stated that my son, she didn’t let students go to the bathroom. And I simply stated to her in this special education school, that my son, when he gets nervous, he will ask to go to the bathroom. It’s not that, you know, it’s not that he’s trying to get out of the work, he just doesn’t know how to deal with the anxiety. Right. And I was told, my son was told that while your mom is tough, and I know I said it, because I believe me when I know when I can get into my thing, if I need to, right as the black mother, parent, and I was not in my thing, I was really making a statement. So people may see you as aggressive, even if you make an assertive statement. So an assertive statement is really about the content, right? So, so and so it’s really about so here’s what I need. Right? Here’s what’s important to me, here’s my concern. I you want to start with one of these, or here’s my question, and then being able to lay it out. So here’s what I need. So Michelle, here’s what I need. I’m finding that when I have the assignments by Friday, it really helps me because I’m able to do some work over the weekend. And then on Monday, after I’ve thought about it, I’m able to make better corrections. So I’m just wanting the assignments by Friday, can you do that? Right? And asking, Can you do that? Is that doable? Really being able to follow up with that, that would be an assertive statement. Aggressive, might be Michelle, this just doesn’t work for me. And I can say it in a night and even told Michelle, this just doesn’t work for me. I need the assignments by Friday. You’re all never giving him to me on Fridays, and I need them on Friday. The difference between the two if you can hear them might have gotten a little tone in there. But basically, there was no explanation of why I’m asking for Friday, what that process does for me, and then there was no asking if that’s doable, because if it’s not, then you want to problem solve together so that you can have something that works for both of you. I hope that makes
sense.

It does. And when one more snuck in. Is patronizing the same as this new professional sarcasm, or is the resolution is the resolution to read and pull back and respond. As previously stated,
yeah, it’s patriotism the same as soccer. As I don’t I don’t think so. Sarcasm, by the way, is is one of the things that is very, I’m gonna say controversial, people who are usually sarcastic think that most people who are sarcastic think that it’s actually a way to engage and get closer to someone, like breaking the ice. But the research shows that the majority of people actually don’t like sarcastic remarks.

Unless they really know the person and they really know their sarcasm, and it’s a, it’s a agreement between that I get that, right. But in the workplace, it tends not to work. So sarcasm in, in some ways can be hostile, and in some ways, can be about nerves, and in some ways can be about a particular style. I’d call it I’d call it I’d say, now that was really sarcastic. And let them explain and say, Well, yeah, because or No, I wasn’t using sarcasm. Sounded like that to me. And so I’m gonna go back to my question, or I’m gonna go back to my statement and see if we can get some kind of agreement or resolution on that. I’d put it out there. But no, it’s not the same thing for me patronizing is you’re just telling me the things you think I want to hear.
I love it. Okay. So I hope all of you enjoyed this session. Lynn, thank you so much. This is why I said we had to have continued to have communications. It is a continuous process. We’re always going to encounter somebody new, a new situation. And it’s really, really important to be on top of your game with communication and continue to practice it. Now. Lynne has given away three of her books, we’re going to work it out on the back end. But there are two books that have already identified that we can read as a community. The first book is Lynn’s book. But the other book is The memo. And Lynne is actually knows Amanda, you’ve met mentor before right? Now. Think so. But okay. So Minda heart, and so we’re going to be reading her book, focus on women of color. So definitely, definitely, if you have that book already read it. We’re going to read this community, we’re going to do some zooms to discuss both books, and really to do breakout sessions and practice different exercises and go through some of the information more towards Q three, the summertime. Let me just put it that way. Let me say the summer time. So if you win the book, that’s great. I know some people have already purchased the book when I said we want to read it as a community or that you are when you did the interview last week, people went and bought the book. So so if you if you already have the book and you get contacted, just let me know. And I will send it to somebody else. Okay, great, great. Tomorrow at 7pm East Coast time, we will have Lisa Anderson, she’ll be talking about the unspoken truth about moving to the next level for women of color leaders be here it’s going to be an absolutely great discussion. And I want to make sure that you’re part of it. Now, what I forgot to do, which I keep forgetting this, and I don’t know why it’s really shining light on the achievements, so many of you have in your career. So I’m going to read some that I did not read last night so you can continue to see and hear what other women are doing here. And staff Okay. Um, somebody wrote and we can probably all relate to this achievement doing my boss’s job better than he did in the position Okay, promoted to senior management Hello. I’m loving this obtaining and N I H research grant. So that’s the National Institutes of Health if I’m not mistaken, grant, so congratulations on that. These gala dope. I went from intern to level 123 and subject matter expert in five years. Y’all absolutely dope and I asked this question because we do not take into account how much we achieved How dope we are, and really how much we bring to our workplaces. Because oftentimes, we were getting beat down, we were told we need to do more, we’re not doing enough. But y’all shine. And I want you to continue to share these, we’re going to be sharing it on positive higher side, because you need to continue to do that. So while you may get negatives, when I go, and I talk to employers, like why have women I know women engineers and scientists who’ve done this, like, really, how do we find them? really that hard, but I gotcha. Could you please attach tonight for tomorrow’s webinar? Sure. So if you have not signed up for tomorrow’s session, you can go to summit 20. And I’m grabbing a link is somewhere in here, let me just go to the easiest place where I just was when I use this information. And you can go here and and sign up for tomorrow’s session. This is the full website. If you haven’t registered on that website. Definitely go ahead. I know some of you came through Eventbrite. So you’re getting emails that are separate from E M, the platform where the summit is being hosted and all the information is, so definitely, definitely go there sign up, it is free, the replays are free for 24 hours. And then after that you can purchase them and expense them to your employer. If you have an employer, and let’s say you don’t but you got a friend, it does tell your friend, hey, look, I need you to buy this and have your employer. I didn’t say that. But it is very, very good information because you you listen to Lynn, but you need to listen to it again and again, because these situations are going to come back and they’re really, really want to have these techniques down along with the book. Okay. All right, everybody. Ben again, thank you so much. My pleasure. Thank you, Elin is a two timer. So she’s a second time she was on in 2017 as well, which was the first year that I did the summit. So everybody, have a great night and I will talk to you later. Bye